September 23, 1985

Twenty-six years ago today my oldest son was born.

I've spend the last six years ignoring this day, it usually comes and goes without a tear shed, mostly because I am a coward when it comes to grief. I've learned, recently in fact, that by not dealing with it myself I have, I think, irrevocably damaged my other two kids. In not dealing with my own grief, I have not taught them how to deal with theirs. Kevin does pretty well, he is stoic when it comes to Tad, but I think he was the first (and possibly the only) one in our family to really deal with the death of his brother. Jarakah is another story, although I know she is dealing better now.

I did rather well today, ignoring it as I usually do, knowing the date, but keeping the feelings that go with it in the back of my mind, keeping the thoughts and memories stamped down and quiet. But then I told him happy birthday on Facebook, and the posts from others started showing up. Then Jari posted a picture of him, one that was taken just a week or so before he was killed.

This is Tad. I'm not sure if I've ever posted a picture of him here before. I doubt it with the way I avoid all but one of his pictures. I have his senior picture on my microwave, next to his senior prom picture, and his obituary. Even then, my eyes only graze over them except on occasion when I will intentionally look at him, just to see if it still hurts as much. It always does.
Next month, October 25th, will be the anniversary of his death, another date I would rather not acknowledge, and it too usually passes without anything but the stamping of thoughts and memories.
I've only been to his grave three times, he is buried with my Dad, my brother, and my twin nephews who died soon after they were born from lung complications. I have always told myself there is no reason to visit, really. None of them are really there, their souls are elsewhere, there is just a box and dirt. I don't know if I'm just telling myself this to reconcile my inability to deal with death and the reality of it, or if I really believe it.
At any rate, no matter how much I try to ignore the fact that he is no longer physically in my life, he is in my heart and soul, and he always will be. 

AHHHHHHHHHH!

That was an excited AHHHHHHHH! I have decided (at least in part) where I'm going on one of my days off. A couple of people have answered my pleas on the Yahoo group Spin List for information on any spinning interest in North East Texas, so I'll be visiting Rose Path Weaving & Fiber Shop in Lindale, Texas, then up past Greenville to Farmersville, TX to Fancy Fibers Farm, then back to Greenville to the... are you ready? Are you sure? To The Audie Murphy/American Cotton Museum! I am so excited! I am super bummed I wont get to go to Dixon this year (Mim and I started talking about going to Lamb's Town when we were on our way home from BSG '10), but this in part will make up for it. The worst part is that Mim wont be with me to enjoy it.
Updates and pictures Tuesday or Wednesday!

Free Time...

Between fires, the hustle and bustle of getting engines and firefighters to incidents, and paperwork, and map work, and aircraft flying thither and yawn looking for smoke and directing engines on the ground, we do have the occasion to sit back and breath, chat, joke and of course, for me to spin and crochet and knit.

No knitting shown here, but I'm still working on my latest scarf when the mood strikes me.
When I have the inevitable 'bits' of yarn left over from a project, or a yarn I can't think of anything else to do with, I make scrunchies. I take a pony, bought at WalMart in bunches of different colors and sizes, and crochet around it with different stitches, to make ruffly, fluffly scrunchies! I have in the past sold these, but here I've been giving them to firefighters and fellow dispatchers for themselves or wives/daughters. (the yellows in the picture look dirty white...?)
The spindle (my exclusive, hand made dowel/toy wheel design) is sporting a green/white silk.
Gotta keep the skills honed!

Being in Texas...

I am still in Texas, and it looks like I will be here until the 8th. No Dixon for me :(
But, on the plus side, I am working. The money's good, the people are great, and to be honest, I love motels!
But I miss my family very much, especially my Joy. It was very hard to leave her and I'm afraid by the time I get home, she will be standoffish with me. I have talked to her a couple of times since I got here, she's getting very chatty, and it always warms my heart and makes my day!
I will have a lot to tell you all when I get home, there are things I want to post about but pictures to go with the posts are in my PC at home, and will have to wait to do the post credit.
Texas is a really big state. Anyone notice that? lol I had to drive a little more than half way across it my second day down here to get to the dispatch office I'm working in, and will have to drive back before I can come home. Ah well, it's their dime.
I brought my spindle with me, I couldn't figure out how to get my wheel in my suitcase, and knew if I managed it, they would beat the crud out of it anyway *sigh*, so I've been spinning silk in the office during down time, and have had (of course) a lot of questions and comments. One of the night shift dispatchers is also a knitter, so we have something in common. I am working on her to learn how to spin.
I DID spin today, not in 'public' but as close as I could get to it without leaving dispatch! Did you spin in public today? It was national 'Spin in Public Day' you know. If not, do it tomorrow :)
Time to go to bed. Cheers!

It's about darn time!

I will be headed to Texas tomorrow for two weeks to dispatch fire. This is why I do this, I get to go new places, meet new people, and at the same time do something good for someone.
I will leave you with a couple of pictures to remember me by, until I get done with fire season.
Gotta say thank you to the few of you who still look for posts here, and apologize for not keeping it more up to date.

 This is Navajo plied yarn spun from a splendid hand dyed Panda type blend, dyed by Woolgatherings who does nearly as good a job at dying as Laura! She has some beautiful color combos, and I could easily see my self spending boocoo bucks there! But, I'll save it for Laura ;-)
And Joy at her first carnival! The Lander Co Fair was this weekend. I entered a couple scarves and a hat, if I get pictures, I will post them as soon as I can. I know I got two purples and a special award, just don't know what it is yet.

Later!