Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Changes in Attitude

Most of the visitors to this blog know by now that my oldest son was killed 3 years ago in a work related accident. I know I'm not the only one to have lost, although in the throws of grief, that doesn't matter much. I have been through all the stages, the denial, the guilt, the anger... and finally, acceptance.

The only thing I have kept track of in the last three years are my two younger kids (now 18 and 16) and my husband. My bills, my house, sometimes (most times) my self have been neglected. If you haven't lost a child, it is akin to walking through sludge; every day is a chore; to get out of bed, to face the day and its challenges. Because it is so difficult just to make yourself get dressed, dusting is just out of the question.

I was in Barns and Noble one day, and found myself in front of the Bereavement section. There was a book there by a woman who had lost her son at the same age as I had lost mine, 20. She talked about going for almost five years before she woke up one morning and realized the sun was a bit brighter, she was a little more eager to get on with her day and felt a new (if not vaguely familiar) urge to do something productive. The sludge around her was thinning.

I have had my quickening I think. I have begun to think about things in a less negative light, like I now know that I WILL be able to manage my bills again! I WILL be able to keep my house clean again!! And I WILL FIT INTO THAT SIZE 12 AGAIN!!! I would hope for a size 8, but lets be realistic ;-)

Anyway, I just thought I would share this with all of you, it is just another baby step.


Purple Fuzzy Mittens said...

I am so glad to hear your sun is shining a bit stronger. I can't imagine how hard the journey has been and admire your strength in coming through. Take care.

Sharon said...

Your experience is the terror that every mother hopes to never live with. It was nice to hear you insert Tad's name into conversation. I knew that was a big step.

Mim said...

Love you Becky!

Laura said...

You go!! I haven't experienced your loss, but can only imagine the darkness of the pit you find yourself in. It's nice to know that the light at the end of the tunnel is not the oncoming train!

Love you!!

Kathy said...

I can only imagine what you've had to go through, Becky. I don't think there's anything that can be said except that you have friends. Although many, or all, of us haven't had to go through your loss, we can still be here for you.

Michelle said...

From a blogger's distance, you have kept up a good face, maybe making it that much harder for us to comprehend what you have been living through day by day. Others closer to you, like Sharon, know much better. Wish I lived closer so we could hug, spin, walk off the pounds together -- and RIDE!

country girl said...

I cannot fathom the pain that you have been through. I'm so glad your sun is shining a bit brighter. Take care of yourself.

Dori Ann said...

I just wanted you to know I also lost my son 2 years ago last Sept. 29, his birthday is Christmas. He was 36 and had 3 children 6,5,3 and one to be born the December after he died. I know exactly what you are going thru! Greif is something you carry with you every day, and you have to give in to it at times as it is a very heavy burden to carry. I couldn't even pick up my hobbies for almost 2 years and now I find that just touching the fiber is so soothing. When I have one of "those days" I just stop every thing and use that as a fiber day. Take care, I'm going to follow your blog, it's comforting to know other people make it thru this. You can see my story at my blog
I have kept it as a personal blog instead of a selling blog just for the reason that it is comforting to be able to just put thoughts down. Half of them I don't even post.
I am so very sorry for your lost.