Most of the visitors to this blog know by now that my oldest son was killed 3 years ago in a work related accident. I know I'm not the only one to have lost, although in the throws of grief, that doesn't matter much. I have been through all the stages, the denial, the guilt, the anger... and finally, acceptance.
The only thing I have kept track of in the last three years are my two younger kids (now 18 and 16) and my husband. My bills, my house, sometimes (most times) my self have been neglected. If you haven't lost a child, it is akin to walking through sludge; every day is a chore; to get out of bed, to face the day and its challenges. Because it is so difficult just to make yourself get dressed, dusting is just out of the question.
I was in Barns and Noble one day, and found myself in front of the Bereavement section. There was a book there by a woman who had lost her son at the same age as I had lost mine, 20. She talked about going for almost five years before she woke up one morning and realized the sun was a bit brighter, she was a little more eager to get on with her day and felt a new (if not vaguely familiar) urge to do something productive. The sludge around her was thinning.
I have had my quickening I think. I have begun to think about things in a less negative light, like I now know that I WILL be able to manage my bills again! I WILL be able to keep my house clean again!! And I WILL FIT INTO THAT SIZE 12 AGAIN!!! I would hope for a size 8, but lets be realistic ;-)
Anyway, I just thought I would share this with all of you, it is just another baby step.